Seconds tick by.. into minutes.. into hours.. into days.
There are so many feelings - so much happening and it’s all happening way to fast. I am way over my head.
I am confused, torn even. For something to begin something else has to end and i am having trouble grasping that concept. Beginnings, changes - it’s scary and i don’t want to leap in blind.
I wish i knew, all the information. But instead i have to wait. I’ve waited this long.. what’s a few more days. I don’t even know.
I am both terrified and excited by the prospect of Friday.
Till then.. well. I just hope no one asks me to make a decision any time soon.
my dad just yelled “IT SOUNDS LIKE YOURE MAKING OUT WITH SOMEONE YOU BETTER NOT HAVE A BOY IN THERE”
Teleported back to that night at the keyboard, getting taught boston with a blanket wrapped around me. Nice and classy. The first time i had slept with someone when i wasn’t in a relationship. To forget about the one before.
And back to the present. Listening to the same song as a adult. Wondering why things went so wrong. I wish i could just figure out why people walk away. Walk away from someone they ‘love’ saying they deserve better. Why does everyone say that.I know it gets better but..
You deserve better? What is better. Why isn’t i love you enough.
Sad. Stupid. Pathetic.
I just don’t wanna fake it anymore.
I don’t want another night of trying to validate myself.
I don’t want anything real. I just want answers. Explainations that i know i will never get. I just don’t get it. I just don’t.
Were we ever in love?
You’d think so. But was it really love. Was I trying to cash something in and call it love. I’m so over the place at the moment. I hate thinking about this stuff, I hate having to hash it out on lame blogs. Am I falling for the sake of falling. I know I am good at convincing myself I don’t like someone. But am I also good at convincing myself to like someone. I think I am. I’m not sure if this was ever real for me? Was it ever to you?
I hate this feeling. I am so conflicted. I do not know what’s going on with me, or what I want. A year ago I was the happiest person. I thought that maybe I had found someone I could take a chance on. Yet I missed out. I ruined that chance. I have put you first for so long. Denying my happiness for what? Missing out on chances.. for what? What do I have to show for any of it? We aren’t together now.. nor will we ever be. All I have is four years of lies and cheating that I try to make positives. We had something didn’t we? Or was I just so desperate to ignore what was going on to justify sticking around for so long.
I feel like I know you.. know you well enough to think you would never do that to me again. That you are not off sneaking around again and that you mean what you say. That the fact I never hear from you are actually you saying the things you are doing. But the sad part is.. why would you change now? Why would you do these things after all these years of me sticking around? I know deep down there’s more. It makes me wonder who. It makes me think – what am I doing sticking around. What am I waiting for? When did I cross the line to think that I could have everything. Instead, I lost everything. I still will continue to lose everything but yet it doesn’t seem to matter. I don’t know what It is.
I like to think that I make a difference in your life. Like when you say that you do need me, that you don’t deserve me. But all it sounds like is a cop out. An excuse for your misdemeanors. When is enough enough? Why don’t I learn? I don’t understand why. Why I stick around. I know I am not happy. I know that it was thrilling having guys throw themselves at me. But I’m just starting to understand why. You left me empty, like a void waiting to be filled. Begging to feel wanted or needed that the slightest bit of attention from another guy made it easier to go back to you. Then I realised.. is this the same for you? Did you need this as well? Which brings me to my other question? Why wasn’t I good enough? How did I manage to not give you everything you wanted – you say I do but why cheat? Why race back to the stupid abusive bitches that you call sluts – when you could have me. You did have me.
You still have me. And it sucks.
But you will never be the person I want you to be. I would settle for you. All I want is a little appreciation. I want that future and no one ever measures up. I screwed up one of the best things and I am still having to pay for it. Now I need to let go of those feelings to. I have nothing, and you took it all. Congratulations.